TEJU ("teach you") finance
Why Being A Single Father Isn’t A Dealbreaker
For the longest time, I’ve been planning on making a t-shirt that says, “I Make Pretty Babies”. While I realize how ridiculous that seems on its face, its not only true (there will be no photo evidence of PanaMontana here at VSB), but I’m ridiculous enough to pull that off. I mentioned that to a homegirl of mine once and she was like, “well couldn’t her mother get the same t-shirt?”
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Yes, she could. But you know what? It wouldn’t have the same effect. Not only would me wearing a tshirt that says “I Make Pretty Babies” be a nod to my personality and fun loving spirit, it would also pique the interest of various random women who may or may not inquire to see if it was true. Effectively, its a conversation starter because real talk, what women DOESN’T want to have pretty babies. My kid is my resume (more on this later). On the contrary, do you know what my ex wearing that tshirt would signal?
That she has kids. At least one. Game. Blouses.
Therein lies the interesting double standard of being a single father versus being a single mother in the dating market. Maybe it’s because we don’t get to see very man actively responsible single fathers who are happy about their children or we just assume that a child won’t hold a man back or something, but having a kid has a completely opposite affect for men and women. For women, it’s can be an actual PLUS. Most men aren’t exactly checking for a woman with a kid…because they don’t have to. You’ve seen the stats.
And if it’s not a plus, it’s definitely not a detriment eight out of ten times. Or at least hasn’t seemed like it. I understand that there are some women out there who just do not want to date a man with a child – which I completely understand. Between the potential baby mama drama and the perpetual second fiddle she will always play to the child, its not ideal obviously. But in an ironic twist of contradictoryness, I was in a conversation recently where one of my homegirls was attempting to hook a dude she knows up with one of her friends, who is another of my homegirls. When this chaps age was mentioned (over 35), her immediate reaction was…why DOESN’T he have any children? In this instance, NOT having kids was a knock on him because it signals that maybe he was gay or that no other woman would want him. One of the funniest quotes of that conversation was as follows, “I mean, he didn’t even ACCIDENTALLY knock some broad up??” Basically, women expect every man of a certain age to have kids anyway.
Odd future wolf gang…kill them all.
Granted, a large part of this is because at this point in most men’s lives where they have kids, the women they’re looking to deal with aren’t exactly trying to do jello shots off of each other in Cancun. Clearly they would if they were drunk enough, but they’re also paying attention to the future and focused on stability, marriage, and parenthood. As are the men. Who wants to date a woman who has not one maternal bone in her body? So how is it a bonus?
While everybody realizes that it takes two to tango, and you really never know what you’re going to get, having an actual kid is a living and breathing manifestation of potential. I mean, who HASN’T wondered what their kids would look like? Me? I know. I’ve had an actual woman see me out with my kid and say to me (I’d love to say I was joking but I promise you I’m not) and ask me if I thought I could make another one that looked like my daughter. And as I picked up my daughter, backed up slowly, and took off running I realized that women like cute kids. Come to close and I’m firing.
Here’s the other vital piece, do you know what you glean from a dude who’s active in his child’s life and responsible? That he’s active in his child’s life and responsible. And do you know what women like? Active fathers and responsible men. Man, that’s better than an MJ comeback to a woman. Women like stability and security. Sure that kid ain’t theres…and mama there goes that man…but you get the upfront and personal view of a man who had to handle adversity and you get to see how he did it. Usually you don’t get that until the first cheating scandal or pregnancy scare. But dude has a kid? You get it all up front!
Sidenote: A good father does not make a good boyfriend or husband. Be VERY aware of this fact. This is an entire post coming on its own one day.
And, the oddest facet of being a good and responsible single father is that effectively…women give you credit for doing what you’re supposed to do. Sure, nobody gives you a cookie because you didn’t go to jail. But let you be in your child’s life and you get all kinds of misplaced kudos and congratulations which says more about our community than it does any particular woman or man. Women love seeing a man with his child…being happy. Hell, put your kid on your shoulders and every woman within a 50 mile radius is going to smile at you as long as she doesn’t hate life. And a smile is all it takes. I’m being hyperbolic but you get the point.
Being a single pappy doesn’t necessarily dry up any panties.
Forgive me, I’ve been longwinded. Good ladies of VSB, what’s your take on single fathers on the dating scene? Are they winning or losing? I know you run into plenty. And fellas, either you have one or know some dude with one, has being a single father affected yours or their dating lives?